Back to Where it all Started

Tonight I'll take a look back to where it all started. It was summer, 2000 and Cecil was notably tired, and not feeling all that well. He had just turned 55, and had just finished his tour of working up north in the oilfield and tar sand camps in Northern Alberta, Northern British Columbia and the Northwest Territories. He had been Head Chef for many years and enjoyed working in the camps cooking for the oil industry employees. He came back from his winter/spring run and was definitely tired and we noticed that his legs were swelling to an unusually swollen state. I thought it was any number of problems including diabetes and as I am not a doctor, misdiagnosed him completely. Cecil spent his usual summer relaxing and taking it easy and when the following fall/winter came it was time for Cecil to go back up north to work. He worked a month in and came home for a week and went back up north in January and the next time I heard from him he was in a hospital in Peace River, northern Alberta. His company had flown him via helicopter to the hospital there in an emergency and he phoned to tell me that he was being driven by ambulance to Calgary from there. I was upset as we did not know what was wrong with Cecil, and neither did the doctors. Cecil came home and three days later after several tests in hospital went to see his family doctor. I drove Cecil to the appointment but did not go in with him. Cecil came out and got into the car, tears in his eyes and very upset, told me that he was dying. I was shocked. I sat there for a second or two and what blurted out of my mouth was "No!!!" and then, "What a GREAT Valentines Day present!!". I did not plan to say those words, they just came out of my mouth before I could stop them. My whole world was literally upside down. I could not breath and for a few seconds began to hyperventilate. I had been in shock before, experiencing trauma most of my life from one source or another, and I calmed down, took some deep breaths and thought of Cecil sitting in the seat beside me. I grabbed his hand and held it, speaking softly to him. "Did they say how long? Did they say why? What's going on?" I asked him. He said he had liver disease and it was end stage and that they did not know how long he had left. I calmly drove us home, and did my best to stay focused in traffic. That was almost fourteen years ago, February 14th, 2001. I'm not sure what we did for the next few days after that, but I remember being completely inundated with many different emotions at that time. I felt angry, confused, sad, and disoriented for a long time after that. Cecil does not talk about his feelings much but I know it has affected him as well. We have been together for twenty years now, and at the time of his diagnoses we had been together for six years. It was not fair! I have said this over and over in my mind, and to God, and what I have come to know since then is that is absolutely correct. It is not fair, but what is?